The Ethereal Power of Empathy

We’re tackling a challenging topic today, as in I literally have a challenge for all of you: can you find empathy for people you dislike, disagree with, or simply don’t want to forgive? It’s a tall order, I know. But stay with me.

This challenge is...well, it's challenging. It’s about working hard to understand others, even when it feels impossible. It’s about finding compassion in places where it’s hardest to look. And why would anyone want to do that? I believe having compassion for others can lead to two powerful outcomes:

1. It can soften your interpersonal relationships, making them richer and more meaningful.

2. It can help you release the weight of resentment, freeing you to live a truly fulfilling life.

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking—this sounds useless, or at the very least, exhausting. And you’re not wrong; it is exhausting to approach people who challenge us with compassion. But here’s the truth: carrying resentment is exhausting, too. The emotional weight of disliking someone, holding onto grudges, or replaying old arguments over and over? That’s the kind of weight that doesn’t just sit on your shoulders—it seeps into everything, leaving less room for joy, peace, or even just the simple pleasures of life.

Imagine that I'm giving you the look right now. You know the one. The look someone gives you when they say, “You know it’s the right thing to do.” The look that makes your stomach twist because, deep down, you suspect they’re right. This challenge serves two purposes: discovering what empathy and compassion can do for you and discovering what what empathy and compassion can do for your relationships when you understand other people.

So, let’s dive in about what empathy really means, why it’s so hard to find in tough situations, and how it might just be the key to a freer, lighter, and more fulfilling life.

Why Does Conflict Stir So Much Resentment?

Conflict has this magical way of planting seeds of anger, bitterness, and resentment, which can grow and twist into something much bigger than the original disagreement. But why is that? Why does conflict with another person hit so deeply, causing us to carry those feelings long after the moment has passed?

At its core, conflict is often tied to our need for connection and understanding. When that connection feels severed or when understanding feels out of reach, it leaves behind a void filled with unanswered questions, unspoken words, and unresolved emotions. Let’s explore some of the reasons why conflict tends to turn our relationships sour:

1. Unanswered Questions

When conflict arises, we often replay the situation in our minds, trying to make sense of it. Why did they say that? Why did they do that? Why didn’t they see my perspective? Unanswered questions create a kind of emotional dissonance, leaving us feeling stuck in the tension between what we experienced and what we don’t understand. This ambiguity can fuel frustration and lead us to fill in the blanks with assumptions—assumptions that are often negative.

2. The Hurt Behind the Conflict

Hurt is a natural response to conflict, particularly when it involves someone we care about or depend on in some way. The deeper the relationship or the higher the stakes, the more painful the perceived betrayal or disregard. That pain often morphs into anger as a protective response, creating a barrier between us and the vulnerability of acknowledging how much we’ve been hurt.

3. Not Understanding Why They Hurt You

One of the most disorienting aspects of conflict is not understanding why someone did what they did, especially if their actions seem intentional or personal. Humans crave clarity, and when someone’s motives remain unclear, it can feel like an unsolvable puzzle. This lack of understanding often leads to feelings of unfairness or injustice, further deepening the emotional wound.

4. Not Understanding Their Perspective

It’s hard to extend empathy or forgiveness when we don’t understand where the other person is coming from. Without insight into their feelings, motivations, or experiences, their behavior can seem senseless or malicious. This creates a barrier to resolving the conflict because we can’t see past the hurt to the humanity on the other side.

Conflict is rarely as simple as it seems. Miscommunication, misunderstandings, and mismatched expectations can all contribute to why things go sour between people. By identifying what lies beneath the anger or resentment—whether it’s confusion, pain, or unmet needs—we can start to untangle the emotions and shift how we carry them.

What Empathy Is (and What It Isn’t)

We need to clear up some common misconceptions about empathy, beginning with the distinction between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel bad for someone’s situation—it’s more of a distant acknowledgment of their pain. Empathy, on the other hand, is about stepping into someone else’s shoes and imagining their experience as if it were your own. It’s an active effort to understand what someone might be feeling or why they’re acting the way they are.

And then there’s compassion, which builds on empathy. While empathy is about understanding, compassion takes that understanding and transforms it into a desire to help. In some cases, that might mean offering support or actively doing something that is supportive; in others, it might simply mean holding space for someone without judgment.

Where Does Empathy Come From?

Empathy doesn’t just appear out of nowhere—it’s something we begin to develop in early childhood. Around the ages of 2 or 3, children start to become more aware of the experiences and emotions of others. This awareness comes from social interactions, like watching another child cry over a dropped toy or noticing if a parent looks upset. It’s in these early years that we learn to see the world from someone else’s perspective, even if only in small, imperfect ways.

Over time, these skills grow and deepen through life experiences, relationships, and, hopefully, some guidance along the way. Empathy isn’t necessarily a fixed emotion, meaning it's not something you either have or don’t have—it’s a skill we can strengthen, no matter how old we are.

Empathy Isn’t Excusing Behavior

One of the most common fears about “finding empathy for others” is that it means excusing hurtful behavior. It doesn’t. Finding empathy doesn’t mean saying, “What they did was okay.” It doesn’t erase the impact their actions had on you. Instead, it’s about working to understand what might have led to their behavior so that you can have clarity. Importantly, having this understanding doesn’t mean their behavior suddenly becomes appropriate or acceptable. You can hold compassion for someone’s experiences or struggles while still recognizing their actions as hurtful or inappropriate. Empathy and accountability can coexist—you can expect someone to reflect on their behavior or pursue change and you can also set boundaries, redefine the relationship, or even end it if needed. The clarity that empathy brings is for you. It’s about lightening the emotional weight you carry, creating space for your own peace, and letting go of the heaviness that unresolved conflict can leave behind.

When I say “understanding,” I don’t mean sitting down with someone and hearing their entire life story (though that can help). Most of the time, we won’t get the whole picture, and that’s okay. But if we look around situationally, we might start to see pieces of the puzzle.

Let’s say someone at work is being unpleasant, snapping at everyone, shifting blame, and in general just seems to be irritable. On the surface, you might think, “They’re just stressed about work.” And that’s true—stress can explain part of their behavior. But what if you knew they were raised by a father who taught them that love had to be earned? What if you knew they equate their worth with success, and failing to meet a specific deadline feels like failing to be worthy of love? Beneath that irritability, there’s a sad, vulnerable child who’s desperate to be seen and loved.

That kind of understanding doesn’t excuse their actions—it gives context to them. It allows us to see the humanity in someone, even when their behavior makes it hard. And in some cases, it might even create an opportunity for healing—for them and for us.

What Happens When You Hold Onto Resentment

Resentment is heavy. It doesn’t stay neatly contained in one corner of your mind—it spreads. I picture it like dark, twisty vines, starting in your heart and growing outward, weaving their way through your body. These vines are toxic, wrapping and twisting around everything, slowing you down physically and mentally. They leave no room for anything else—no space for joy or peace.

When we hold onto resentment, dislike and judgment of others, it doesn’t just stay directed at them. It grows inside us. And often, those emotions come with assumptions—filling in the gaps of someone’s story with our own negative interpretations. If a coworker is short with us, we might assume, “They don’t respect me.” If we have a challenging relationship with a relative, we might assume "They are selfish." These assumptions take root, often without us realizing, and they only reinforce the very feelings we’re trying to move past.

Here is the problem: holding onto these emotions affects more than just our mood. Studies have shown that prolonged resentment and judgment can lead to increased stress levels, higher blood pressure, and even weakened immune function. Mentally, it can leave us in a constant state of tension, making it harder to focus, sleep, or experience positive emotions.

The longer we hold on, the more those dark, twisty vines grow. They take over the space where lighter, softer emotions could take root. And the irony? The person you’re holding resentment against probably isn’t even aware of the emotional toll they’re taking on you. You’re the one carrying the weight, not them.

But here’s the good news: letting go is freeing. When you start to release those emotions—when you allow understanding or even just curiosity to take the place of resentment—you create space. Space for joy, for connection, for the kind of life that feels lighter and more fulfilling.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean condoning. It means choosing yourself over the weight of the resentment. And that’s where empathy comes in, leading us to the next step: working on how we see and understand the people we’d rather write off.

Shifting How We See People

What happens when we approach someone with empathy? When we make the effort to see beyond their actions, their mistakes, or the ways they’ve hurt us? Again, this shift isn’t about excusing their behavior—it’s about changing how we view them, and in turn, how much space we allow their actions to take up in our lives.

There’s a Buddhist poem by Thich Nhat Hanh called Please Call Me by My True Names that beautifully illustrates this idea. The poem takes you through two perspectives: that of “the victim” and “the perpetrator.” But as you read, something profound happens—you wonder if every being, every person, could perhaps be a product of their circumstances or environment. The poem suggests that perhaps, if we were placed in the same circumstances, shaped by the same causes and conditions, we might have made the same choices. It emphasizes that compassion, or empathy, is not about blame—it’s about understanding.

This idea resonates deeply with me, especially when I think about the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, which I love and return to often. Richard Schwartz, the creator of IFS, explains empathy in a way that’s deeply connected to how we perceive others. Schwartz says in his book No Bad Parts that we all have “protector parts”—those parts of ourselves that show up as defensive, controlling, or reactive when we feel threatened or vulnerable.

And here’s the key: those protector parts don’t just show up in us—they’re in everyone else, too. The problem is that our protective parts tend to only see the protective parts of others. If you’re feeling defensive, you’re likely to focus on someone else’s defensiveness. If your controlling part is activated, you might see their controlling part and think, “This person is impossible.” It’s a cycle of misunderstanding, where we lock onto each other’s least likable traits.

But Schwartz also teaches that when we’re in “Self”—our most natural state of calm, clarity, and compassion—we can see beyond those protective parts. Instead of labeling someone as simply defensive or controlling, we start to notice the pain or fear driving those behaviors. What once seemed like hostility might suddenly look like vulnerability.

This does not justify someone’s actions, but it does help to understand what they might have been protecting in themselves. Take, for example, someone in your life who’s hurt you deeply. Your first instinct might be to label them as selfish, cruel, or unredeemable. But what if you paused and asked, “What might they have been protecting in themselves?” Maybe their actions came from a place of fear, insecurity, or unmet needs. That doesn’t make their behavior okay, but it helps you see their humanity.

When we stop seeing people as villains and start seeing them as flawed, messy, complicated human beings—just like us—it becomes easier to let go of the resentment we carry. We stop clinging to the story that they’re all bad or beyond understanding, and in doing so, we free up emotional space for ourselves.

Empathy begins here: in the decision to see someone not as a collection of their worst traits, but as a whole person shaped by their environment, their experiences, and yes, their mistakes. And when we find even a sliver of empathy, we might just find the freedom to let go of the weight we’ve been carrying.

Clearing the Vines

Finding empathy for someone—especially someone you don’t want to forgive—doesn’t mean you’re inviting them back into your life. It doesn’t mean you’re saying, “Let’s be best friends,” or even, “I want a relationship with you.” What it does mean is that you’re choosing to let go of the resentment, judgment, or anger that’s been weighing you down.

If healing the relationship is something you want, this process will undoubtedly help you take steps in that direction. But the real gift of empathy isn’t just in repairing connections—it’s in what it allows you to do for yourself.

Empathy clears away the toxic, twisty vines of resentment that wrap around your heart and mind. It helps you set healthy, reasonable boundaries with someone if needed. It gives you the ability to move on from them entirely, without dragging along the emotional baggage that keeps you tied to their actions.

And when you do that—when you let go of the weight and create space—you make room for something lighter, something warmer. You make room for the sun to shine through and warm you up, to fill the places in your life that resentment once crowded out.

Choosing empathy isn’t about excusing behavior or making amends—it’s about reclaiming the emotional energy you’ve been pouring into resentment. It’s about giving yourself the freedom to live without those dark, twisty vines holding you back. And that, in the end, is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.