Two Things Can Be True: The Duality of Emotions

My husband and I recently took a two-week trip for his sabbatical, a trip he earned as an achievement after a certain number of years with his company. We spent those two weeks relaxing in the warm Caribbean sun, enjoying uninterrupted time together. By all accounts, it was a dream, and I was deeply grateful for the opportunity.

But at the same time, I felt a deep pang of sadness. The trip fell during December, right after Thanksgiving and just before Christmas—a season I cherish. While I was soaking up the luxury and beauty of the Caribbean, I couldn’t help but think about what I was missing at home: decorating the tree, going to see Santa, and experiencing the magic of the holidays with my daughter.

It was confusing to feel these two emotions simultaneously. How could I feel both immense gratitude for this beautiful vacation and deep regret for missing the holiday season with my family? For a while, I tried to talk myself out of the regret. You’re on vacation—how could you not want to be here? But the truth is, both emotions were valid. I wanted to soak up the sun and I also wanted to go home.

This experience reminded me of an essential truth about emotions: life is complex, and so are the feelings that come with it. Two things can be true at the same time, and learning to embrace this duality is a crucial part of emotional growth.

When we experience conflicting emotions, our first instinct is often to resolve the emotional tension. We want to make sense of the situation by picking a “right” emotion and dismissing the other. This is partly because our culture teaches us to think of emotions in binaries: good or bad, happy or sad, positive or negative. But when emotions don’t fit neatly into one category, it can feel disorienting.

The Struggle with Conflicting Emotions

Think about the last time you felt joy and sadness at the same time. Maybe you were at a wedding, celebrating a loved one’s union while also recognizing the significance of this life event and the transition into a new part of adulthood. Or perhaps you decided to finally make a career change that will mean great things for you, but you immediately doubted the move upon turning in your resignation. These moments highlight how nuanced emotions are and how difficult it can be to sit with their complexity.

This struggle often leads to internal conflict. We might invalidate one of the emotions, telling ourselves things like:

• I shouldn’t feel this way.

• I should be happy right now.

• This is the wrong time to feel this way.

These self-critical thoughts can escalate into shame, especially if we’re experiencing an emotion that feels inappropriate for the situation. For instance, feeling joy during grief can make us feel guilty, while feeling sadness during a moment of celebration can make us feel ungrateful. What's worse, when we decide which emotion is "right", that doesn't mean the other emotion goes away—it lingers and when we notice it's presence is still hanging around, we lose trust in our own selves to know how we feel.

When we ignore or suppress one of our emotions, we lose the opportunity to learn from it. Each emotion exists for a reason, and when we dismiss one, we miss out on valuable insight into what we value or need. Instead of trying to “fix” the discomfort of conflicting emotions, let's practice holding space for both and understanding what they’re telling us.

This discomfort also stems from the societal pressure to “fix” our feelings. People often ask us to focus on the positive or “look on the bright side,” unintentionally reinforcing the idea that negative emotions are problems to solve rather than messages to listen to. This mindset not only invalidates the natural complexity of our emotional experiences but also makes it harder to process what we’re truly feeling.

Why Dual Emotions Exist

Life is rarely straightforward. Our experiences are layered, nuanced, and often contradictory, and our emotions reflect that complexity. Dual emotions exist because our inner world is designed to process the richness of the human experience. Sometimes, joy arises from sadness, love intertwines with grief, and pride is born from stress. These emotional pairings are not mistakes—they are essential to understanding ourselves and the world around us.

At its core, emotional duality stems from the interplay of our values, needs, and experiences. When two emotions coexist, they often reveal the tension between what matters most to us. For instance:

• Feeling excitement and fear before a big life change reflects the anticipation of growth and the uncertainty of the unknown.

• Experiencing gratitude and regret after a decision shows how we honor both our present choices and the opportunities we had to leave behind.

• Mourning the loss of a loved one while feeling relief they are no longer suffering highlights how grief and compassion can coexist in the same moment.

Dual emotions also exist because life itself is a balance of opposites. We only recognize happiness because we know what sadness feels like. Confidence feels meaningful because we’ve wrestled with self-doubt. These contrasting emotions don’t cancel each other out; they work together to create a richer, more profound understanding of our experiences.

Another reason for dual emotions is that they are a product of our brain’s complexity. Different parts of the brain can process different emotions simultaneously. For example, the amygdala, which processes fear, might be activated at the same time as the prefrontal cortex, which helps us weigh logic and context. This neurological interaction allows us to experience emotions that might seem contradictory but actually work in harmony to help us navigate complex situations.

Dual emotions serve a purpose. They guide us by holding up a mirror to our inner world, pointing out what is important or unresolved. We've talked before about how our emotions are messengers: Sadness might show us what we value and fear losing. Joy reminds us of what we’ve gained or achieved. Regret highlights lessons we want to carry forward, while gratitude encourages us to embrace the present moment.

Lessons from "Inside Out"

Pixar’s Inside Out offers a brilliant exploration of emotions, especially the concept of emotional duality. Beneath the surface of this fun, colorful children’s movie lies a profound truth about how emotions work together. Each time I watch it, I’m struck by the depth of its message and how beautifully it portrays the complexity of human emotion.

One of the most powerful moments in the movie is when Joy is reflecting on a core memory of Riley being cheered on by her hockey team. At first, Joy sees this memory as purely happy. Riley’s friends and teammates rallied around her, lifting her up and making her feel proud and supported. But Joy rewinds the core memory and it turns from yellow to blue, reflecting that the memory holds joy and sadness for Riley. Sadness reveals a deeper layer to the story: the joy Riley felt came because of the sadness she experienced after losing a big hockey game. As Joy rewatches the memory from the beginning and sees Riley being comforted by her mom and dad, Sadness explains, "it was the day the Prairie Dogs lost the big playoff game. Riley missed the winning shot, she felt awful. She wanted to quit". Joy realizes that Sadness was the emotion that opened the door for love and support, leading to the joy that became the core part of the memory. "They came to help because of sadness".

At the end of the movie, Riley is comforted by her parents and Joy and Sadness work together to create it one last core memory. The core memory they create comes out as two colors, both blue and yellow to represent that both emotions are present at the same time within the memory. This visual representation illustrates how emotions can coexist and work together to create a richer, more meaningful experience. Without sadness, there would have been no comfort, no support, and no Joy.

This scene encapsulates an essential truth about emotions: they are not isolated or competing forces. Instead, they are partners, each playing a vital role in shaping how we experience the world. Emotions that seem contradictory—like sadness and joy—can actually complement each other, creating a deeper understanding of ourselves and our relationships.

The movie also highlights how we often try to prioritize certain emotions while ignoring others. Joy spends much of the film trying to keep Sadness away from Riley’s memories, believing sadness has no place in Riley’s life. This reflects a common societal belief that “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, or fear should be silenced or minimized, while “positive” emotions like joy and happiness should take center stage. But as Joy discovers, every emotion has a purpose. Sadness is not a problem to be fixed; it’s a crucial part of Riley’s ability to process her experiences, connect with others, and move forward.

What’s so genius about Inside Out is how it teaches us that emotions are not here to fight each other. They’re here to work together, creating a fuller, more balanced picture of our inner lives. When we allow all our emotions to coexist, we can better understand what they’re trying to tell us.

In Riley’s story, Sadness was the catalyst that allowed her parents and friends to recognize she needed comfort and cheering up. That comfort, in turn, brought immense Joy and a sense of love and belonging. This interplay between emotions demonstrates that life’s most meaningful moments often come from the duality of emotions.

The lesson is clear: rather than trying to silence certain emotions or push them aside, let's embrace them all—even the ones that feel uncomfortable or out of place. They each have something to teach us, and often, they need each other to tell the full story.

How Can We Embrace the Duality of Emotions?

Reflect on what each emotion is communicating. Every emotion carries a message, even when it feels confusing or contradictory. Instead of trying to resolve the tension between two opposing emotions, take time to listen to each one. Ask yourself "What need is this emotion revealing?" or "What is this emotion protecting me from?". Reflecting on your emotions in this way allows you to get beneath the surface and think about what’s driving your feelings. The emotions we feel aren’t random—they’re often tied to our core priorities and beliefs. When you take the time to explore what your emotions are communicating, you can respond to situations with clarity and intention.

Writing down your emotions and the thoughts or situations connected to them can help you process and identify patterns. For example, if you consistently feel pride and guilt in the same situation, you might notice that the guilt stems from perfectionism or external expectations, while the pride reflects your personal satisfaction in achieving something meaningful. By reflecting on both, you can learn to honor what feels true to you rather than focusing on what you “should” feel (because we know how messy should-ing on yourself can be).

Allow emotions to coexist. When we feel conflicting emotions, our natural reaction is to choose one emotion and shut the other out. We picture our emotions in the spotlight—only one can take center stage at a time. But actually, emotions are best experienced together like music—multiple instruments can play at once, creating harmony even when individual notes seem to clash. Emotions aren't meant to be a solo, they are meant to be a symphony.

Allowing emotions to coexist means resisting that natural reaction to label one as “right” and the other as “wrong.” It’s about giving both emotions space to exist without judgment or hierarchy. When experiencing grief, it’s common to feel moments of joy while remembering a loved one, even in the depths of deep sorrow. Rather than invalidating your joy by thinking, I shouldn’t feel happy right now, or suppressing the sadness by saying, I should focus on the good memories, try to hold space for both.

Practicing coexistence starts with self-compassion. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel multiple emotions at once, even if it feels uncomfortable. You might say to yourself, It makes sense that I feel both of these things right now. They’re both part of my experience, and they both deserve my attention.

Maybe it helps to visualize your emotions as guests at your dinner table. Each guest brings a unique perspective to the table, and even though some might clash or disagree, they all contribute to the bigger picture of the event. By inviting all your emotions to the table, you create space for understanding and growth.

Coexisting emotions don’t have to be in conflict—they can work together as your guide. For example, feeling excitement and fear before starting a new job can signal you to celebrate the opportunity while also preparing for potential challenges. When you let these emotions coexist, they provide balance, ensuring you don’t swing too far in one direction or the other.

Final Thoughts

Embracing the duality of emotions allows us to navigate life with greater self-awareness and compassion. When we stop labeling emotions as right or wrong, we free ourselves from the need to “fix” how we feel. Instead, we create space to truly listen to what our emotions are trying to tell us. They’re not here to compete or cancel each other out—they’re here to guide us, working together to reveal the bigger picture of who we are and what matters most to us.

Conflicting emotions can feel uncomfortable, but they are not a sign of "being wrong". They are a reflection of life’s complexity and our capacity to hold multiple truths at once. When we embrace this, we strengthen our ability to sit with life’s uncertainties and find clarity in the chaos.

So the next time you feel conflicting emotions, don’t rush to judge or silence them. Instead, remind yourself that two things can be true: it can be sunny and cold outside, spaghetti is delicious and messy, and you can feel happy and fulfilled about taking time for yourself while also feeling guilty for missing out on time with people you love. Two things can be true.